Show some mercy... Ya Allah...

Ya Allah...
God, pls show some mercy... pls don't make it any worse for her. I have never seen anyone suffer as much. The things happening are too hard for her... i know u do it because u love her, but pls give her the strength.. beyond the strength she posesses although i never saw one greater than what she has. Pls God, make her happy... for once, let me see the real happiness thru her eyes. I don't know what she may have done to have to endure all this... and i don't think she did anything so bad to be receiving this... but i do think she's been 'paying' for it for so long.. so pls, let her live as others do... I wanted so much for her to have that... This was and still is part of my prayers. So pls.. grant me this... i want it so much to be true, i'm not asking for anything else right now. Amin...


OUT with the BRs...

I knew something wasn't right today... i felt it. But around 8.30pm i got the happy sms so I was happy that things are going well... So I tell myself, i shud go & spend some quality time with my BR frens. KU & KE volunteered to pick me up so i went with them... around 10.45pm i got an sms, asking if i've gone out and where i was... i replied 'sg buloh toll.. y?' then i didn't get any reply & failed to notice that my sms wasn't delivered (there was no delivery report) til we reached our meeting point... i smsed again. And i got the shocking sms! If i had driven there... i wud hv rushed back... or i wud hv got into a taxi if there's one around... but i dn't knw how to get out of there... and to do it without raising too much questions as well. I wasn't ready to explain anything to anyone... I was stuck between 2 very important sides... but i know i shud be heading back. I shud hv listened to my mom when she was uneasy about me going out... it was a sign.

I just want to know everything was ok... after a few smses from under the table... i kind of get the situation... i think it's better to let it calm first before i go and get all emotional about it. and i know, if i was there.. i will only watch & won't know what to do, well... maybe my company is sufficient enuff. After i convince myself that it'll be ok (although i doubt it big time)... i start to act normal.. but the guilt is still there... a few times the smses contained 'sorry'... when all of them arrive, it got too hard for me to leave... i wanted to tell J so she cn cover for me... but how? how much do i tell her? all the while i was thinking while trying hard to participate in each conversation. I was contemplating on telling Ju & asking M to get me out of there... i was on the verge of voicing it out a few times but failed... i came close to sending an sms to Ju. I desperately need someone to make a decision for me... but i dn't know to whom i shud turn to :( I let it go on for a few hours.. i was miserable inside while trying to keep it as normal as possible..the things that kept me from bursting was the happy faces of my frens.. they somewhat calm me down and comforted me.

And on the way back... i was really frustrated with myself for not going back earlier. In the silence, i realized that all this while i have always been there... but when it got to the hardest part, i WAS NOT there. Pls forgive me... coz now the guilt is getting bigger coz there were times i was laughing at the jokes while my fren was crying alone, for hours... after all the things i said about being a good fren and how important it is to make myself available... i FAILED. And i failed terribly... God, it hurts!

After trying so hard to prove her wrong... she just had the proof that she is indeed right... sorry...

I am so sorry... I hope i can make it up to you... pls hang in there...