why i never talk about a fren named Z

last nite, went out with Ira & Saf...
when i was telling them about my weekend... there was this question.. how come u never talk about Z before? i didn't exactly answer the question, i just tell about who Z is.

I never talked about Z coz.. that was the 1st time we hung out after 1 year... she used to work with me for a few months. The last few months before i gave it all up. The hardest time of my life. She had seen the worst of me... she had seen me cry so many times. Talking about Z will bring up those times... although it's in the past, i can't say it doesn't hurt anymore. Z is aliving reminder of those hard times. She was the one who understood me well at that time... she didn't question and make it harder for as the others did. She comprehends well and saw wat others did not see. She probably is the only person that knows me to well although we weren't frens.. i was only her superior that gave orders.

I do keep in touch with her thru a few calls & smses all this time...but decided to spend last friday and saturday with Z coz i think i shud appreciate her for wat she did & try to be a fren. i dn't plan to hangout with her often tho... coz it'd remind me of those times.. i will make an effort once in a while coz it was never her fault. Z is a very outspoken and loud person... she's a nice person but her words cud cut deep. However, when she talks to me... she'd be so nice & soft coz she knew i am fragile... she'd seen me shattered before. By doing that, i know she still have that image of me in her mind.. she still feels sorry for me. Now she's frens with my frens now... i just don't want her telling them the details of wat really happened. Coz i don't want my frens to feel sorry for me and stay around coz of that. Sympathy is not a thing i accept well.

Sometimes... my frens bring up those times, meant as a joke. but i dn't blame them coz they didn't know the real thing. so i laughed with them. i cud never find words to actually make them undertand.. so i let it be.

... and still, it hurts.