SECRET

I meant to have this blog as a secret place for me to actually express how i feel.. coz i can't really talk... yes, i have problem talking about myself. My frens shud notice that i always avoid talking about myself. It's not that i don't trust them... it's just that i don't talk much. Sometimes i feel that i shudn't burden them with my troubles coz i know for a fact that i am so 'manja' every lil thing wud make me complain... i don't want them to be irritated. I'd rather have frens that know little of me and enjoy my company. But later the frens closer to me were let on on this virtual hideout. The place i bare myself though not in full. Some part of me wanted them to get to know me better.. technically, without me having to speak to them...

Pls keep in mind that... when i write an entry, most of the time I'm very emotional. I'd only cool down or feel better after i post my entry here. So pls don't judge me too much. What you read will be my most vulnerable moments. I know.. coz when i read it over the next day, most of the times i'd want to edit or just delete the entry. But i wud always leave it as it is... coz that was who i was. No point of hiding it... a few people shud hv read it by then... maybe they'd talk... and somtimes some details are left when it spreads thru word of mouth. SO i leave it there... as a reference in case someone misunderstood my views. I have to admit i did delete a few entries in the past... coz i was too harsh or kind of hurt a few frens with my entries.

The other reason for leaving it as it is... i want to remember this when i've moved on to another phase of my life. I want to be able to look back and see that I have improved and changed for the better. I want to look back on it and relive all those memories that made me who i am. Coz i know i forget things easily... even important things. I fear the day that i was too bz in life and cud not turn back and find myself... i'm afraid i can't define who i am later in time.

I found that a number of people visited my blog today... previously i never checked but out of curiousity and the fact that i have nothing better to do... i checked. They were routed to my blog thru some links from frens' blogs and a few just happen to be bloghopping i guess. I guess they are regular readers... but i can't identify who they are as i'm not that good in IT :p
nways... Thanx for spending time to read this... if u're one of my frens, hope u cn understand me better (and not hate me more hehehe)... if u're just bloghopping, take wateva's good out of here (if u think there's any) and ignore the rest k :) ... and just so u know, even if u don't leave any comments, i know people still read this ;)

I know some are getting bored reading this blog coz i blog so much on a few of my frens... i'll try not too blog so much about them... believe me, i tried... but when my life revolves around them, what else do i write, right? If u think that my frens don't deserve anything i did for them... pls don't judge them... coz if u know me, i can't tolerate people that is undeserving of my attention. To have me talking on and on about them wud mean they have every right to me as frens... they deserve what i did/gave.

While we're on the subject of frens (it always has been)
about my entry on frens being on the sideline... i read something while bloghopping... something Seal said of his relationship with Heidi K|um.. he mentioned that he always makes it a point to note that Heidi is his bestfriend, that way he won't overlook and take things for granted... means he's not in the field all the time... he must be the one doing the throw-ins or taking the corner kicks... he got to see whether the rest of his team are in good positions.

and on my previous entry... that fren of mine is definitely a great actress! She confessed last night she wasn't coping that well. I really don't know how to help (i am so NOT well informed of the situations).. so i'm just praying and wishing all goes well. I have a few theories... but evidence are not there to support... it's vague, so i might as well shut the hell up lest it gets any worse. So for now... all i can do is make myself visible so she can reach for me whenever the need arises.. so far i've been holding out my hand but she hasn't reached out yet... she's still drowning... maybe she feels better underwater... honestly, i don't have a clue.

Another fren.. been so long since we got to spend time.. but finally we met up last saturday... before we met, she PMed me telling she just broke up... she was sad. I was kind of relieved they broke up.. coz he was suffocating her... she doubt it's going anywhere good. She told me she didn't think it'd last.. just a few weeks before. She's quite sad with the break-up even tho she initiated it... it was a brief relationship... her previous has been longer... so i know she'll deal with it :)

Another fren... hvn't seen her in about a year... was really upset over one of her close fren. Betrayed, she was so frustrated. Compared to her, i'm much younger... but i did have that experience a few times (i guess i was too nice hehehe). She has somewhat recovered after some soul-searching... i told her, i've been thru those things... i don't feel that bad if it happens to me again, i'm used to it. She was saying the same thing... told her it is just life... u won't know wat's good til u hv the taste of bad... She's more calm now... she just want to share it with me. Thanx for sharing :)

Happy frens... some people are just happy with their lives... sometimes i envy them. I guess they're much more positive in life. I'm happy for them too. Nel is happily in love.. and is probably enjoying her dimsum dinner @ShangriLa (she's been wanting it for so long). J is going to be happy for one whole month! her boyfren just got in from Dubai after 11 months... the BF is so not good at suprising her... he wanted to make it a surprise but he called her up to ask the name of his neighborhood area (where he's renting) coz he just reached KL & didn't know wat to tell the taxi driver hahaha!

My bro Alif is happy living his student's life 300kms away from home... he's got a comfortable place which sounded expensive when he described it. He is not happy that he has gained weight (yes, my bro is vain!) so he bought a black baju melayu for the slimming effect of the color.

Nyssa is already inviting me to her 11th bday party which has yet to be approved by the parents. This girl is growing up so fast... it has been 4 years since we became frens.. been 4 years since the near death experience. She's starting to complain about her lil bro Khalid being too naughty... hahaha! that was how i feel about Alif when we were young! Khalid is naughty, cheeky and yet so adorably handsome... i kind of miss him now.

My distant fren (hahaha) the Diva... i heard news about her hubby. Not going to confirm anything here.. just hope she's doing alright. I kind of miss her too... missed the times i used to hangout with her... she was so much fun... but now she's more reserved with the massive change in her life. I wish her well :)