Mama's Big Op

Mama's Big Surgery...

Doc detected fibroid so it has to be cut off... and to make sure things don't get worse in the future (the possibility of cancerous cells), doc suggested mama get rid of the whole reproductive system. That is one scary reality... being a woman, of course that is the vital anatomy that differentiate us from the other kind (men). losing it means losing a big part of us. The hormones and all... all gone. Don't know wat it would be like for Mama after losing that part of her... but hopefully she'll live a healthy life for years to come having avoided the cancer in that part or other womanly parts.

The surgery worries her... when the doc confirmed the date for the surgery last week, she was scared, anxious. Now, 3 days before surgery.. she seems calm enough. i told her there's nothing to worry about coz the docs know wat they're doing.. they'll give her the best. But deep down, I too ,worry. Of course i hope for the best.. i want the best outcome... but deep down there is still a lil part of me that wants to make certain that she knows that i truly care. Now, i'm thinking of skipping class next week and go with her to Malacca for the surgery... i do think i shud b there for her. I'm planning to ask mama & abah tomorrow if it's alright if i come along. Besides mama, i do think abah is going thru hard time trying to appear calm when God knows wat's on his mind... i think i need to be there to wait with my dad. I'll see wat they think about it tomorrow.. hopefully they'll agree.

I don't think i can write more about this at the moment... coz i, myself am confused with what i'm supposed to feel. i don't know wat to feel... i don't know how i shud appear in front of Mama. I haven't been home much these couple of days... subconciously, i was diverting from the subject. I refuse to think of it. But i think it has made my mom feels that i don't care for her that much... now i need to spend time with her. This is the time for me to be there for her... coz she has always been there for me.


It's actually quite hard for me... i can't tell anybodody... it's not that nobody wants to hear... i just don't know how to tell. i could only talk of matters of less importance... I have always been the listener. When i hear my frens goin thru a hard time... i dn't want to put more burden unto them. When a good fren is crying over her problem... i feel like crying over my own problems too. Coz i do think my problem is worse and she might think that her problem is even worse.. but who am i to tell/judge? i never tell her anything, and she tells me minor details.. so i won't know for sure and so does she.


I am not doing well... I am not in a good mood.. i pretend to be OK so it doesn't affect others around me... don't ask me anything, just pray if u want to help... I'm going to pray tomorrow, when i'm clean. InsyaAllah.