Emotional

Note for a friend... (whom i think would not read this blog.. but i hope would come across this some day)

Dear Friend,

Lately, I got so emotional and sensitive... I guess it was coz i felt useless. I've given all i can... i've given what is asked of me. I tried damn hard! I may not have done enough... If u need anything.. i beg u pls, let me know. As much as i pretend i can read minds... i DON'T know how. And... i don't really know what is right anymore... It is frustrating! It's pulling me down... I can't even find words to lift me up as high...

What happened 2 days ago was scary... i was praying hard that everything would be alright. I was up all night, waiting. Alhamdulillah it didn't turn out worse. I shud have guessed that it wasn't ok when i saw u... u always try to hide it from me. when i got ur sms, i tried to talk some sense into u... as always, u wouldn't listen... so i was respecting ur choice, and did as u asked... nothing. I wanted to get there badly, but didn't dare... coz i know u too well. I wanted to call him to go there... i didn't dare too. I was hoping he was already there... he should b there. if not, he would have called me. right?

Do u know how it feels when I'm left with uncertainties every single day? Every time i want to do something... I always have to think over and over again so that if something bad happens, i have no regrets. If i want to go anywhere, i always try not to go too far so i can get there in time. I AM afraid... really scared. I can't make decisions coz i don't have enough knowledge of things... coz i had to make myself choose to be ignorant... coz that is what u asked of me. I wanted so much to help... but you're not letting me in. So i can only watch from the sidelines, cheering you on... hoping it would have some effect. And i guess ur reason is u've burden me more than enough so it wouldn't be fair for me... but i guess u didn't know that lifting a burden from the side is much more harder than lifting it from below... i want to lift it from below so i can balance it... so it won't topple over.

I was always there... i chose to be there... i still choose to be there... i want to be there. u may not be there for long... and i can't tell u if i will be there any longer than u.

I am not alright... but i don't blame u.. i believe u have ur reasons. i'm not angry either. It's just that i felt low... I am really scared. It's really hard pretending to smile and laughing at jokes i don't even get... and later when i'm alone, i'm in tears coz i'm scared, i'm afraid. I still manage to pull it off... for now.

If something were to happen when i'm not there... i don't know how sad i would feel coz the sadness i'm feeling right now is already becoming too much for me. When i know it's going to happen and yet i don't know when... God! i can't describe it in words... and i don't think i can handle it. I may not pray a lot... but i don't think i've prayed so hard when i'm praying. and i have never cried so much for so long..

I know you've been through so much... i don't think i would be able to live thru half of what u went thru... but to be able to live all that, u're definitely the strongest person i know. I am proud to have been ur fren... to see u go thru such things had humbled me... had shown that all my hard times would just be a mere dust compared to urs. Pls believe that to have u lived thru all those things... Allah must have love u so much. Allah must have love me so much too... to have me there as ur fren, to have learnt so much from u.

I wish u would have a chance to read this... to know that i had tried my best to be a good friend. And i don't have to have reasons or the need to justify whatever i did for a friend... i did those things coz i feel like doing them... no other reasons... as simple as that.

The time, the tears, the smile, the pain, the laughter... all made life worth living. I beg u pls, don't give up... there are so many nice things out there. Pls hold on... pls be strong. Pls peek thru the hole in the dark room and let urself see some light... it may just be a small hole... but it is hope... it is faith... makes u believe in something... makes u want to get out there. Out there... he, the love of ur life, is also waiting... he, the hope u've been holding on to, is hoping... he may not just find the way yet... maybe he's afraid too.. i think he's scared... but he'll get to u. At least don't let him down... i know u love him so much... and i can see that he loves u.

As i always tell u... It is never about how long, it's about how u live and make life worth living.

Thank u for including me... i may forget lots of things, but i will never forget this.


Ur's truly,

Ur Friend

Friday 16/03/2008 5.12 AM