Bandung

Few days before Bandung...
I went out with H and the hubby... i was tired, just got back from KL with my cousin but they insisted i go with them. So i went along... it was nice. Im happy to see what i see :) It is kind of awkward coz I really don't think im supposed to be there... but they wanted me there so i made myself as accomodative as possible. The hubby bought me an evisu t frm bread&butter.. he insisted so i had to choose 1 ... then we went for Ironman.. midnight, gold class... i had a hard time trying not to sleep and watching the movie... i managed to stay awake the whole time hehehe. It was nice... simply stated, everyone was happy and so was I.

Bandung...

Well, everybody who went to bandung would know wat happens there so no need telling much here. It was the most exhausting trip ever! But i truly enjoyed the Tangkuban Perahu trip... i needed that kind of activity. It 'lifted' me. Makes me thinks of how the world goes round... What God made has no flaws at all even in the worst of situations.


CURRENT CONDITION...

Before updating my blog, i was reading my previous posts... and automatically tears start flowing again... it's natural, it's normal... nothing to worry about... shows that i'm capable of such feelings... :)

So my fren (lets call her 'A' from now on) showed signs of getting better before i went off for the trip... i didn't know whether A was faking it for me but i wanted to believe that A is doing better. During the trip, i smsed a few times... A replied but not as usual. So i sensed there was something wrong... then, saturday evening, A wasn't replying... i got worried. tried calling but the damn hotlink is failing me.. had to go to the telco shop in front of the hotel to teach me how to call using the indon line. Got to call A... all three phone lines but none answered. Texted a few smses.. still no respond... lastly i texted for A to call. I think it was about an hour later (it felt like a few hours) A called saying all is fine.. a 15-second call! That is definitely not a good sign.. something was wrong. Then the smses came as normal... so i was relieved... although i know the smses were to make sure that i don't worry too much.

I got my lifting from the mountains... so I'm good now. Just am so very tired from the trip. Had lunch with S, E and H today... H said i didn't look OK... i'm not the same person before the trip, i had changed. I guess i didn't notice that... if it's for the better then it's definitely fine with me. Being the bestfriend that she is... she's concerned. But seriously, i'm not feeling down... i'm fine. I think she's been reading this blog to think that i'm not ok.

To my fren H ... If u're reading... know that i didn't tell u of my condition coz i can't... i don't mind u reading if u want to know, though. Also know that I never pretend that I'm OK with u... if i'm not ok, i always tell u when u asked. Thanx for ur consideration and concern... i am ok. It was never a problem... it was never too big a burden for me. A (u know who A is) has been a good fren and she deserves the best fren in me... A didn't assign me as her bestfren, i choose to be the bestfren. I don't really mind that A didn't tell me everything... coz certain things are not meant to be shared and i'm going to respect that. It's just that A didn't get that i didn't need her to give me space... i'm fine the way it is. When A gives me space... that leaves space for me to be worried... wish A could stop pretending in front of me that she's ok coz i know her too well to fall for that. I had mentioned so many times here that it was NOT something i did not choose, i chose it... and A pushing me away will not help her get better and will definitely make me feel useless.

My fears are insecurity, uncertainty and losing... losing is when i lose somebody significant enough to affect my life. All these are components of sadness. Sadness maybe the worst of feeling but it is the truest form of emotion that makes us human... coz in order to feel the sadness, we would 1st have to acknowledge the existence of every other emotions possible for a human being.

Please make me sad... coz it's the only way i would know I am a good person.

I'm done crying for tonight... I'm OK :)